dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
