My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
