Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
