Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
