last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
why do cheetos always look like penises
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
