We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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