At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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