last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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