Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
