How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think i have two assholes
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
