dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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