did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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