Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
