im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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