lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dicks are not precious.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize