so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
two words...techno handjob
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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