I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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