She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
