I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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