I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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