dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
