Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
