2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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