party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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