The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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