i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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