Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
