So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
