Please, let me fuck your mom
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
