I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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