Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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