so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am midnight drunk by noon
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
