they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
