he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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