I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
