the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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