Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just got carded by a ten year old.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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