i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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