Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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