just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
