if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
