Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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