ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
