He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
