I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
