I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
