the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
