If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
