Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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