You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
