Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
