Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
