Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
