well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
