...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
