she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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