yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Operation Purity has been aborted
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
