Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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