It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
