If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You dont lie about slip and slides
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
