Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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